How to Say 'Happy Mother's Day' -- and Mean It

This Mother's Day, give mom a gift she'll really love: A chance to revive a damaged relationship.

I'll be the first to admit that my relationship with my mother has been less than perfect; my guess is any daughter who has lived through pre-teen and pubescent times can fervently attest to a rocky past with her parental units, particularly her mother. For some women, though, the rifts in the mother-daughter relationship are about more than high school wardrobe choices or too-loud music.

"I can't forgive my mother for her part in my arranged marriage. I'm unhappy in life and feel my mother, despite good intentions, is to blame."
-Asha, 32

"My mother was depressed for the bulk of my childhood, and I didn't understand why she was always recluse until much later in my adulthood. I now forgive her, but she missed out on a lot of years that we can't get back."
-Tara, 41

"I was wrong to abandon my child when she became pregnant out of wedlock. I now have to live with the fact that she wants nothing to do with me and I can't see my only grandchild."
-Cathy, 62

"I don't want to raise my child as my mother raised me. She was short-tempered, distracted and aloof. I pray I can foster a genuine relationship with her now, but am having a hard time getting past the feelings of regret for a less-than-perfect childhood."
-Amy, 24

When you feel like Mom has failed you -- or like you have failed as a mom -- is there any way to recoup what you've lost? Maybe. This year, think about approaching Mother's Day as an opportunity to rise above past feelings of guilt, regret and misunderstanding. Holidash spoke with etiquette and relationship experts to get concrete tips on how to move on --- and move toward a healthy relationship with your mother.


Check your attitude. Tina B. Tessina, PhD. relationship expert, psychotherapist and author writes, "Instead of approaching the day trying to get what you've always wanted from your mom, think of finding a way to enjoy her as she is. Find something you can appreciate about her; something she does well, the way she dresses, her good friends, her hobbies. Make that the focus of your time together."
Try It: Sure, your mother smokes like a chimney, never babysits your child and dishes out unsolicited advice more often than not. Yet you have to admit: She can garden like a Martha Stewart champ. Spend the day at your local gardening center together, and ask her to help you re-vamp your landscaping. She'll love to help you with something she loves, and you won't have to apologize to restaurant patrons for her chain-smoking ways.

Plan accordingly. Jodi R. R. Smith, owner/founder of Mannersmith, advises that part of the maturation process is realizing our mothers are not perfect. "Each has her own limitations and amount of effort put forth into her parenting. As adults, we need to look back and accept that she did the best that she could. We thank our mothers for what they were able to do -- after all, we did turn out pretty well!" Smith writes.
Try It: If sitting down to a meal launches your mother into a verbal interrogation as to why you are not married (own a home, have a better job, etc.), don't sit down for a meal. Instead take her to a Broadway show or to a spa with individual treatment rooms. Think of ways to interact which will highlight the positive.

Write it down. If you can't stomach a day with your mother, or if you're miles apart, sit down to write a thoughtful, handwritten note. Writing not only allows true feelings to surface, but also shows the recipient that you care enough to take the time to write.
Try It: Set aside a time where your schedule will be free from distractions and write freely as you would to a friend. State things you can thank your mother for, such as great taste in shoes, a killer chocolate chip cookie recipe, or perhaps a love for knitting. Explain that you wish you were closer and use your handwritten note to extend an olive branch for years to come. Once written, put your note aside and contemplate your words for a few days. Once you've sent a letter, it can't be undone, so be sure your heart is in the right place before licking that stamp.

Think small. Small steps in conversations often equate to big results. Tina Tessina has few tiny tips:

• Call your parents "Mother and Father" or "Mom and Dad" instead of childlike names such as Mommy, Daddy, Poppy, etc. It will make you think differently about your interaction.
• Change your conversation to be more like the conversations you have with friends. Don't limit it strictly to family memories, or gossip about family members, or questions about your personal life. Before you speak with family members, take a minute to think of what "adult" topics you'd like to talk about. Current events, sports, work issues (just facts and events -- avoid complaining) political or local neighborhood issues are all adult topics.
• Pay attention to the balance of your interaction. Don't let your role slide into all giving or all receiving, try to keep the score even, as you probably do with your friends.

Try It: Treat your parents and siblings as if they were the family of someone you care about, and not your own. After all, if you were with a friend's family and someone did something odd, you'd just ignore it, right? Be polite and pleasant, for your "friend's" sake.

Finally, this Mother's Day, save the itemized list of how your mom was a bad mother for Tuesday's session with your therapist. You'll both have a happier and less stressful holiday that way.