Thanksgiving Etiquette: Lizzie Post Reminds You to Mind Your Manners

Thanksgiving is a glorious time filled with delicious food, loving family and friends we don't see often enough. That being said, it's also a holiday filled with the potential for faux pas and embarrassing gaffes. But, because we care about you (and you know we do!), we talked to Lizzie Post, the great-great-granddaughter of etiquette queen Emily Post, about how to handle some of the most common Thanksgiving etiquette issues.

Post is a part of the family business, working at the Emily Post Institute and offering expert etiquette advice. These days, though, that advice focuses more on relationships and setting boundaries than on using the proper fork, which makes her our very favorite kind of etiquette expert.

Dealing With Family Fights
The biggest breach of etiquette during Thanksgiving dinner, according to Post, is fighting at the table. "One of the best things you can do [if you're hosting] is have a seating plan in mind for your holiday dinner," she tells us. If you know that Uncle Larry and Cousin Sue never see eye to eye, simply seat them at far ends of the table, making it less likely that they'll disrupt the meal.

But what if they get into it anyway and start yelling at each other from across the room? As the host, it's your responsibility to step in. "Turn to the person closest to you," Post recommends, "and say something along the lines of, 'I guess you two will just have to agree to disagree,' and then have a safer topic in your back pocket like, 'Who has seen the new 'Harry Potter' movie?'" (Unless, of course, the argument was about whether Gryffindor or Ravenclaw is the better house, in which case, find something else to talk about.)

"All you need to do is say, 'Hi, Mrs. So-and-so. I'm a vegetarian and would love to contribute a dish to the meal. As a vegetarian, is it okay if I bring something like a quiche?' That's a way for you to let them know about your preference, but also let them know that you don't want your dietary restriction to be a burden on them," Post says, adding, "This holds true whether you're a locavore, on a diet, can't eat certain foods because of health reasons, whatever.

"It also gives the host a chance to say, 'Oh, no girl, I've got you covered.' Maybe they've made meals for vegetarians before and have five dishes with no meat products in them whatsoever!"

Be the Best Guest
If you're a guest at someone else's Thanksgiving celebration, there are a couple of things you can do to ensure you make a favorable impression. "Small talk, baby! Small talk is your best friend," says Post. Once again, she recommends having a few neutral go-to topics ready to keep conversation going (movies, sports, books, music). And if you're new to the group, be prepared to talk about yourself. "They're going to want to know about you, so be ready to answer questions about your job, your family, where you're from, what you think of the town these folks are in."

Another surefire way to make them love you, especially if you're not comfortable being the center of attention: Be an active listener and ask questions. "People love it when you listen to them," Post says, "so encouraging them to talk about their life is a great way to begin building a relationship."

Bringing a small token hostess gift is also good manners, especially if you're staying for the whole holiday weekend. Post recommends consumables the entire family can enjoy (candy or other holiday treats), but you could also bring a nice item for the home (think: warm throw, pretty candlesticks, etc.).

No Turkey? No Problem
Those with dietary restrictions often feel the pressure at a food-focused gathering like Thanksgiving, particularly if the host isn't already familiar with your individual food issues. Ideally, if you're going to spend the holiday with, say, your new boyfriend, he would tell his mother (or whomever is cooking) about the restriction, but what if you're dating a buffoon and he doesn't mention it?

"If he hasn't said anything and you either haven't realized that you needed to bring it up or just don't feel comfortable calling ahead of time to mention it, you show up at dinner and realize there's not much for you to eat, just take what you can eat, and don't worry about the rest," says Post. "If you're a vegetarian, you don't need to take a slice of turkey just to be polite." If someone asks about your plate of sides, "Just say, 'Oh, I'm a vegetarian,' and then comment on the foods you can eat."

Still, manners matter. Post says it's perfectly appropriate for a vegetarian to ask about whether a dish is made with beef broth, but she suggests phrasing the question in the least offensive way possible. "I really have a problem with a vegetarian who asks, 'Is this made with dead animals?' It's flat out rude," Post says. "This is someone else's family, someone else's norm, please respect that."

If your buffoon boyfriend hasn't mentioned your dietary restriction, but you feel comfortable calling his mom (or whomever is hosting) to bring it up, Post says that's totally acceptable. "All you need to do is say, 'Hi, Mrs. So-and-so. I'm a vegetarian and would love to contribute a dish to the meal. As a vegetarian, is it okay if I bring something like a quiche?' That's a way for you to let them know about your preference, but also let them know that you don't want your dietary restriction to be a burden on them," Post says, adding, "This holds true whether you're a locavore, on a diet, can't eat certain foods because of health reasons, whatever.

"It also gives the host a chance to say, 'Oh, no girl, I've got you covered.' Maybe they've made meals for vegetarians before and have five dishes with no meat products in them whatsoever!"

Fixing the Faux Pas
Now, let's say you're at somebody's house for Thanksgiving and realize you've made a horrible faux pas -- for example, you ask cousin Pete, in front of everybody, about his lovely wife only to learn (or suddenly remember) that they're in the middle of a messy divorce. How do you recover from such a major slip?

Own up and simply say, "I'm terribly sorry to hear about that. I didn't know, and I'm so sorry to hear you're going through that," says Post. "It's important to admit you didn't know, both so the other person knows that it was a very innocent mistake, and so you know you've told them that you really, truly didn't know."

An innocent mistake is one thing, but are there topics you should steer clear of this holiday season? "The one where you can run into something really very sticky is the question, 'When are you two going to have kids?'" Post says. "People who are trying to have kids, and it's not happening for them -- this can bring them to tears instantly, and they can also get very angry and upset.

"So number one, try to stay away from that kind of personal conversation at this type of a gathering, and number two, if you jokingly said something to your cousin about his fiancée not realizing that the engagement was broken off and he hasn't announced it yet, it's important to simply say, 'I'm so sorry,' and move on from the conversation. What that person doesn't want is to have it become the focus of the dinner. If you feel the need to, you can try to apologize one-on-one later, but a lot of times what's worse than the big faux pas is to try to apologize all the time, over and over."

Do your kids need an etiquette refresher? We've got you covered. And get more etiquette tips from the ladies at Lemondrop!