Why Hanukkah Rules

Growing up Jewish, I always spent the holiday season envying my Christian classmates. While they were dancing around trees with twinkling lights and eating meals of solid gold, I was sitting solemnly in front of a glorified candelabra, sipping crappy Kosher grape juice. But as I grew up and into my Judaism, I eventually came to a surprising realization: Hanukkah FREAKING RULES.

Here's why:

Doughnuts and potato pancakes
Much like Christmas, Hanukkah is the celebration of a miracle – just swap baby Jesus for some long-burning holy oil. And how better to commemorate that miraculous oil than by deep-frying a bunch of food in it? Fact: Doughnuts (sufganiyot) and potato pancakes (latkes) make turkey and mashed potatoes look like prison food. Not to mention, didn't we just have those at Thanksgiving? C'mon now.

Stuff stays open
One of the worst things about Christmas is the fact that everything – save Chinese restaurants and movie theaters – shuts down. But not on Hanukkah! Accidentally burnt your latkes? Applebee's is open! Sick of spending "quality time" with your family? Head to the liquor store. Need an emergency annulment for a Manischewitz-fueled marriage? City hall's got your back – 'cause even the government operates on Hanukkah.

Eight long nights
Technically, the Christmas season begins the day after Thanksgiving (although I swear to God, I've heard Mariah Carey's "All I Want for Christmas is You" blaring through Macy's as early as September). This means that there is at least one month of build-up before the big day. All that planning and cleaning and starving yourself to impress your cousin, and then – blammo! – it's over in a hot second.

But Hanukkah lasts more than a week. By the time that eighth day is up, you've had your fill and you're pretty much ready for it to be gone – like an unwelcome aunt who reeks of potpourri. Plus, instead of tearing into a mountain of presents in one fell swoop, we open new gifts every night. This spreads out the joy of giving (and receiving) for more than a week. Instant gratification out; patience in!

Dreidel I will play
Couldn't make it to Vegas this holiday season? No worries, let Vegas come to you with a good ol' fashioned game of dreidel: the Keno of kiddush. Need some extra money for your office Secret Santa gift? Spin a round of dreidel! Dissatisfied with your aunt's fifth-night gift? Play her in a round of dreidel! Even the underages are urged to place bets on Hanukkah's favorite game. In fact, children are credited with the custom: When kids wanted tp secretly study the then-outlawed Torah, they'd take a gamble and claim they were going to play with a spinning top. We continue the Jewish tradition of lies and shame and tops and law breaking by playing dreidel.

It's not that serious
At the end of the day, Christmas is perhaps the holiest of Christian holidays, and that, of course, is why it's taken so seriously. Hanukkah, on the other hand, is actually a very minor Jewish holiday, inflated to help non-Christians feel included in the seasonal festivities. (See also: Kwanzaa.) But I daresay it is Hanukkah's innate non-holiness that makes it the most fun of all: We can enjoy the seasonal merriment, envy our Christian cohorts, and not once worry that we're committing sacrilege.

Happy Hanukkah (and merry Christmas!) everyone!