Think twice before you rent these movies for the family this holiday. Credit: Getty Images
But which films, exactly, does one procure that will entertain without utterly embarrassing? It's a slippery slope -- I've been there, trust me.
The year was 1997. Being the resident movie guru, I was entrusted with the chore of swinging by the video store (how vintage!) and grabbing a tape. Knowing my grandfather was a huge fan, I immediately settled on the Howard Stern vehicle Private Parts. Cut to the mid-movie scene involving a horny female Stern caller and one very large speaker. My mom immediately retired to the kitchen on the pretense of getting us drink re-fills, my grandfather twitched uncomfortably, my aunt covered my cousin's eyes and I was forced to endure it all -- red-faced with horror -- on the couch in the middle of the action.
I don't want this to happen to you. Therefore, a primer to the pitfalls of 10 of this year's releases. Avoid queuing these on Netflix or snagging them at Blockbuster (do those still exist?) this holiday season. You'll thank me later.
Splice
This one seems like an obvious get for Sci-Fi fans. Two medical scientists inadvertently create a humanoid creature by combining the DNA of multiple organisms, which grows at an alarming rate until it's a full-on woman-ish being (who bears a disturbing resemblance to Bjork, and is twice as nasty). Sure, there's some cool action and creepy Cronenberg-esque subtext, but the movie's oh-no-they-didn't-go-there-OH-YES-THEY-DID climax is a definite deal-breaker. To divulge any more details would ruin it -- you're just going to have to trust me. Save this for a solo viewing.
Twilight: Eclipse
Aside from the fact that grandma's pacemaker isn't even remotely equipped to handle the image of a shirtless Taylor Lautner, call me crazy, but if I had my way I'd bar this series from the impressionable eyes of every tween girl. A terrifically blase female protagonist falls head-over-heels in love with a dude who not only obsessively needs to be by her side 24-7, but also teeters on the brink of instinctually killing her at any moment. In the real (see: non-vampire-populated) world, we refer to this as The Ike and Tina Factor. You don't really want to be responsible for the future demise of your naive little cousins' relationships, do you?
The Kids Are All Right
So grandpa is a progressive fellow, eh? Snaps to him -- this movie certainly seems safe enough. Two lesbians raise a couple of kids to be upstanding young adults who then covertly contact their sperm donor father. Hilarity, poignancy and commentary on the modern family dynamic ensues. Know what else is speckled throughout? Sex toys, porn and some seriously raunchy scenes in the sack. Forward-thinking or not, that's more than enough to make Pop-Pop (and everyone within his guffawing radius) squirm.
Inception
I love me some Christopher Nolan as much as the next guy, and this film is a triumph in that gorgeous-to-look-at, epically-well-crafted way, but its plot takes more twists, turns and double-backs than Aunt Milly's mysterious bundt cake recipe. Unless you enjoy every-other-minute mid-movie interruptions in the form of the older set yelling, "How's he doing that?" and "Where are we now?" and "Heaven's to Betsy, why are they flying?" you should probably table this one for a particularly cerebral rainy day.
The Runaways
Oh, hey, it's that chick who plays sweet, innocent Bella in Twilight and that adorable child actress from I Am Sam! Together in one movie! About an all-girl punk band! How adorably empowering! Let me clue you in, here: Kristen Stewart and Dakota Fanning aren't kids any more, and they hammer that point home in this Joan Jett/Cherie Currie biopic. How, exactly? By doing drugs, swearing profusely, dressing provocatively and -- lest you still think them shrinking violets -- capping it all off with a sex scene together. You'll never watch Uptown Girls the same way again.
Kick-Ass
It'd be really easy to mistake this one as a sure-fire a hit with the youngins. It's a comic book movie, after all -- there are bright colors on the cover and one of the characters is a little girl! Aside from the bad word in the title (put a nickle in the swear jar!), how terrible could it be? Make no mistake: I am a huge fan of this movie, but it is terrifically violent, even straight-up disturbing at some points. Unless Little Johnny gets his jollies watching people get zapped in industrial microwaves, smashed in giant junkyard car crushers and burned alive and still manages to sleep through the night, this is for an adult-only audience.
The Human Centipede
No, the film's title doesn't predicate that it's an homage to beloved Alice in Wonderland's Hookah-Smoking Caterpillar. In fact, simply knowing the premise of the movie will irrevocably change you, guaranteed. That being said: If you manage to make it past the cover art and synopsis and still consider it family-friendly, you deserve to suffer through this with the extended clan.
Machete
Let's just say -- for the sake of argument -- that you somehow overlook the DVD front bearing a grizzled Danny Trejo reppin' a trench coat stocked with giant freaking knives and you notice that the movie was directed by the dude who brought us Spy Kids. How, pray tell, is this the utter opposite of Rodriquez' kid-friendly tale? Let me count the ways. Namely: Dismemberment, torture and sex scenes galore (the most notable of which includes a very naked woman removing a cell phone from a place no electronic device should be stored).
Let Me In
Twilight: Eclipse
Aside from the fact that grandma's pacemaker isn't even remotely equipped to handle the image of a shirtless Taylor Lautner, call me crazy, but if I had my way I'd bar this series from the impressionable eyes of every tween girl. A terrifically blase female protagonist falls head-over-heels in love with a dude who not only obsessively needs to be by her side 24-7, but also teeters on the brink of instinctually killing her at any moment. In the real (see: non-vampire-populated) world, we refer to this as The Ike and Tina Factor. You don't really want to be responsible for the future demise of your naive little cousins' relationships, do you?
The Kids Are All Right
So grandpa is a progressive fellow, eh? Snaps to him -- this movie certainly seems safe enough. Two lesbians raise a couple of kids to be upstanding young adults who then covertly contact their sperm donor father. Hilarity, poignancy and commentary on the modern family dynamic ensues. Know what else is speckled throughout? Sex toys, porn and some seriously raunchy scenes in the sack. Forward-thinking or not, that's more than enough to make Pop-Pop (and everyone within his guffawing radius) squirm.
Inception
I love me some Christopher Nolan as much as the next guy, and this film is a triumph in that gorgeous-to-look-at, epically-well-crafted way, but its plot takes more twists, turns and double-backs than Aunt Milly's mysterious bundt cake recipe. Unless you enjoy every-other-minute mid-movie interruptions in the form of the older set yelling, "How's he doing that?" and "Where are we now?" and "Heaven's to Betsy, why are they flying?" you should probably table this one for a particularly cerebral rainy day.
The Runaways
Oh, hey, it's that chick who plays sweet, innocent Bella in Twilight and that adorable child actress from I Am Sam! Together in one movie! About an all-girl punk band! How adorably empowering! Let me clue you in, here: Kristen Stewart and Dakota Fanning aren't kids any more, and they hammer that point home in this Joan Jett/Cherie Currie biopic. How, exactly? By doing drugs, swearing profusely, dressing provocatively and -- lest you still think them shrinking violets -- capping it all off with a sex scene together. You'll never watch Uptown Girls the same way again.
Kick-Ass
It'd be really easy to mistake this one as a sure-fire a hit with the youngins. It's a comic book movie, after all -- there are bright colors on the cover and one of the characters is a little girl! Aside from the bad word in the title (put a nickle in the swear jar!), how terrible could it be? Make no mistake: I am a huge fan of this movie, but it is terrifically violent, even straight-up disturbing at some points. Unless Little Johnny gets his jollies watching people get zapped in industrial microwaves, smashed in giant junkyard car crushers and burned alive and still manages to sleep through the night, this is for an adult-only audience.
The Human Centipede
No, the film's title doesn't predicate that it's an homage to beloved Alice in Wonderland's Hookah-Smoking Caterpillar. In fact, simply knowing the premise of the movie will irrevocably change you, guaranteed. That being said: If you manage to make it past the cover art and synopsis and still consider it family-friendly, you deserve to suffer through this with the extended clan.
Machete
Let's just say -- for the sake of argument -- that you somehow overlook the DVD front bearing a grizzled Danny Trejo reppin' a trench coat stocked with giant freaking knives and you notice that the movie was directed by the dude who brought us Spy Kids. How, pray tell, is this the utter opposite of Rodriquez' kid-friendly tale? Let me count the ways. Namely: Dismemberment, torture and sex scenes galore (the most notable of which includes a very naked woman removing a cell phone from a place no electronic device should be stored).
Let Me In
Piranha 3D
So Little Suzy is obsessed with her new guppy and can't stop talking about her school field trip to the aquarium? This is not the way to cater to her newfound marine life obsession. Upping the gore-factor of its 1978 predecessor, the crux of this horror flick centers on a massive spring break wet t-shirt contest-turned massacre, complete with the omnivorous fish-toothed removal of one man's most prized possession. (Hint: it's not his spectacles, wallet or watch.)
Movies not on your list of things to do with the family? We've got more tips on holiday entertaining.
